I feel like my brain is polluted...like the Los Angeles sky in mid summer when the rain hasn't washed the muck away for months. It's thick, dirty and ugly.
Every attempt I make to clear the atmosphere - change my thought patterns, create abundance, get happy, live with enthusiasm or any other number of positive switches, I am marred by old programming. It has a strangle hold on my progress and it pisses me off. It's like the crud on an old pot that I keep scrubbing and scrubbing, but the residue continues to stick.
Now I know what you will say - just do it. Just make the change. All you have to do is think positive.... BLAH BLAH BLAH. That's such bullshit. I have thought positive, I have read every God damn book out there, I have meditated for way more than 21 days, and I know I am not my thoughts, I know the power of positive thinking. And yet here I am another year down behind me and I feel like shit.
I understand why people take pills. Life's pressures - pressure to keep up, pressure to fit in, pressure to meet outside and self expectations can all get to be too much... and for what? So we can be fulfilled that's why - I don't even know what fulfillment means to me, at this point I would just be happy with some clean air in my cranium.
I'm so tired of feeling this way. Why am I not one of the happy ones? Why is it such a challenge to get out of my own way and just let things flow. Where is my fucking motivation??????
I'm going to keep forging ahead because that's what I do and maybe this year will be the year I become one of the happy ones...
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